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To Love Someone So Much Until It Hurts

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 Here I am writing another page of my life once again.. My life has been a series of rollercoaster events..  When I was much younger I thought “If” I ever got married it would change. Happiness would Grow and Flourish with the Man I Would Fall In Love With.. And all that sadness I feel would disappear.  But it didn’t.. Don’t get me wrong, I Love My Husband. My Mate with all my Heart and Soul Combined. To be so connected to him, in a sense I cannot describe.

But just is!

With so much Passion I have for him! He is Endless to me. He Embodies me!

There is Something About Him That Lives Inside Me! And That Has Somehow Always Been There.. Been There For Longer Than…. MyTime… Maybe?? I don’t know.. I can’t explain it..

So when he was gone, my heart, my life had shattered into a million jagged pieces.. And loneliness, and anger started to Grow during this time. It literally killed me each an everyday to wake up and find he wasn’t there. But at least I had his Child to give me Something of Him to hang too. It’s been so long now I can’t remember all the pieces.. Belial and Aura had just brought this Child version of Ska back..

And the Next thing that happened was Belial and Aura Were Fighting with John!!

They were Trying To Kill Him!!

And I can’t blame John. As Belial Is A Crafty Son Of Bitch!! Who Always Has Some Card Up His Sleeve..

But This War, Almost Killed John Permanently!!

He Stayed in His Coffin Trying To Heal..

Days, Turned into Weeks, Then Months and Now a Year..

His Absence Was Like A Knife Through My Heart..

But how can I be upset? I’d do the same thing too, right? I don’t know. I swallowed my tears after that day. And the Glow of being pregnant was snuffed out like a candle in the wind.. You think I would still have joy carrying the little one inside me to remind me of John, as I waited for him to Come back to me .. And for while there was Joy, as I continued to Hope. But all the joy was gone soon after.. And my heart felt like iceberg.. The Loneliness Filled me and became My Dark Shadow that Hovered over me, Everywhere. His family and I don’t exactly get along.. I’m not exactly welcomed, but tolerated.. And once the news traveled about John, they would not come to his aid. Probably because of me.. The interference I cause being an outsider to the way they live with there traditions. And I received a letter by “THEM” telling me they were taking “His child” away from me by his 3rd Birthday. It wasn’t just his child. “But Ours!” But that didn’t matter.. Tradition needed to be full filled.. The Vampire Warrior ways needed to be continued in His Family.. Regardless of being a Half Vampire. The child was Apart of the Black Dagger Brotherhood by Rite. And now being a Half breed, it gave his Family insight or advantage.. Such Power this Child might have to them.. To walk in the Light.. And have an extra gift.. Who knows??

And Here I am needing to keep Kishori Running.. John and Ska’s Legacy.. Which meant figuring out how to keep the flow of income thriving.. And tending to all the creatures that lived and protected Kishori. And I did just that! It was the only thing I was proud of doing. The only thing that still kept me feeling Tied to John somehow.. That I could at least keep Kishori together. But with little rest, and swollen feet to keep the Legacy going, it almost costed me my life.. I almost died on September 5th… The labor of bringing a sweet precious life into the world was the Hardest thing I have ever done.. All the energy was depleted out of me because of the pregnancy I endured and Kishori.. This child was feeding on my own blood inside me to survive.. And I wanted to Die..  Without John, or being able to keep Our child, what was the point? I don’t know…

I guess my Hoping and Never giving up on John helped me to survive.. My Love For Him.. My Yearning of Hope to Come Back to me.. I would do Anything for him!

But it was’t my Hope or Love that saved him.. A Mortal Heart cannot save someone who is Immortal.. Even with my gift that sets me apart from a normal person, my humanity and love is still not strong enough to save him.. I think that’s the part that is unfair.. It angers me to no end.. Time doesn’t effect John or Ska the same as it does me.. So my time here on earth is soo much shorter.. And the dreams I had for some reason by no fault of there own get snuffed out, somehow..  But yet I would do it all over again in a Heart Beat because I Love Him.. But here is the thing, that wakes me in the middle of my sleep! – FEAR – That After I am long gone.. John and Ska continue to live on in Kishori, and in the world..  

Will they even remember me??? Will John Remember Me??? Will he remember My Love, and Affection for him???

Or will I be just some picture that fads in the sunlight and forgotten??

John is over 4,000 years old..

And with my Soul gone, what will Happen???

Will Our Son becomes John’s and Ska’s Son?? Not intentional though. But I know memories fade and become confusing and melted.. I feel like I have had such little time with him.. And those moments of joy I wanted.. To feel his hand on my pregnant belly once again or those kisses or even him being there for the birth of Our child is Gone.. What more Firsts of Happiness will get snuffed out because of something??  I’m scared.. I’m sad.. I’m angry.. And I cannot tell a soul to anyone about this.. I Love him too much to tell him, that I am hurting on the inside.. I don’t want to inflict any more pain on him. He is been through enough. He is a Good Man, SoulMate, and He will be Loving Father. And that’s all I could ever Want!

And that’s why I am ashamed.. Ashamed for another secret.. Selfish secret.. A secret I hope to someday forget..

I would have gone to make a deal with a Demon before Our Son’s 3rd Birthday.

If John ever knew of my secret, god knows what he would do.

He would probably never forgive me. How could he? I can’t forgive myself..

Such Horrible Thoughts That Came From Me.. The Wrong Thoughts!!

To Love Someone So Much Until It Hurts!

And You Can’t Bare The Pain Without Him!

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